In this moment, you are closer than ever to having the relationship that you want. More than ever, you know what you do want and what you don’t. 

When things are working well, we tend to just go with it. When a relationship ends, we analyze every detail. Things not working out can provide us with a gold mine of information. 

A disappointing date or the end of a relationship often leaves us feeling like we are starting from scratch. In truth, these experiences bring us closer than ever to the partnership that would best suit us. Endings allow us to see contrast. We are clear about what we like, and what we don’t. We can then shift what we don’t like into a positive intention and affirmation.

The first step toward this bring future is to let go of the story of the past – be it a few hours of contact or years of history. The past is feedback. The future is yours to create. With a bad date or break-up, the story attached to it is often very charged and dramatic. The story might be very seductive to linger over or tell to friends repeatedly (“Then he said ….”). But what if we are grateful for the person in question? What if we thank them for helping us to be clear about what we value? This shifts us out of complaining about “That asshole!” and into being grateful for them saving us time and energy.

An experience with someone flaky becomes the affirmation “I am grateful for my reliable partner.” A wishy-washy person leads you to “I love being in a committed relationship.” We can affirm that the crap of the past is over by saying a simple “Never again. I choose to be in healthy relationships.”

These can be included in our overall list of qualities we want in partnership – “I have a wonderfully dynamic and committed relationship with my partner, who is reliable, warm, attentive, kind, creative, intelligent, humorous, active, relaxed and fun!” The clarity we have about what we want helps us to manifest it. We see the results of our clarity in noticing who shows up. If we like the folks who come into our awareness, great. If not, we continue to refine our intention and allow new opportunities to happen.

This perspective empowers us, as it gets our attention onto what we want and out of a story of victimization. It interrupts the idea that someone else is in charge as we utilize our power to change our lives rapidly and/or progressivley. The woman who “broke my heart” over a decade ago actually gave me the gift of self love. The anger and hurt I felt got me nowhere. Being clear that I never wanted to repeat that experience prompted a romantic overhaul. When I entered a new relationship, I was aware of all that had changed and found myself being grateful for two things: Grateful that the previous relationship had not worked out and grateful to her for helping me be clear about my desires.

**Listen to my radio show on this topic.